Funny Famous Quotes

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Funny Famous Quotes

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.



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I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds I hold them above globes They freak out and yell 'Whoa I'm way too high!'



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Marriage is too interesting an experiment to be tried only once.



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You can observe a lot by just watching.



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An open marriage is nature's way of telling you that you need a divorce.



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I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.



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A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers.



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A word to the wise isn't necessary -- it's the stupid ones that need the advice.



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Women are absolutely equal; they just can't quite lift as much.



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A hotel mini-bar allows you to see into the future and what a can of Pepsi will cost in 2020.



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Koreans have recently brought out their own vegetarian version of an instant noodle snack. It's called Not Poodle.



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I heard Angelina Jolie had a very difficult delivery with one of her children she wasn't in and had to go to the sorting office to pick it up.



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I've never been to an Al-Qaeda Christmas party, but I have seen the invites. No music, no dancing, but we promise the fastest game of pass the parcel you've ever seen.



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Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.


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A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry.


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A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.


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A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.


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You can observe a lot by just watching.



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An open marriage is nature's way of telling you that you need a divorce.



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I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.



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A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers.



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A word to the wise isn't necessary -- it's the stupid ones that need the advice.



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War does not determine who is right only who is left.


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Victory goes to the player who makes the next to last mistake.


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Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.


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Women will never be as successful as men because they have no wives to advise them.


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From there to here and here to there funny things are everywhere.


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Everything is funny as long as it is happening to someone else.


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It's a recession when your neighbour loses his job it's a depression when you lose yours.


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I live at home with my parents.It's just temporary til they die.


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When they asked George Washington for his ID he just took out a quarter.


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Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both.


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It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.


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I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.


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By persistently remaining single a man converts himself into a permanent public temptation.


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A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.



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A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry.


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The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.


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Don't be so humble - you are not that great.


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You can observe a lot by just watching.


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Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.


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I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.


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Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet.


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Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.


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I used so much hairspray that I feel personally responsible for global warming.


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I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.


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i have always been a huge admirer of my own work. I'm one of the funniest and most entertaining writers I know.


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I found a great way to attract money... work!


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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.


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If your legs open up faster than Google's homepage. You are not girlfriend material.


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We live in a world of smart phones and stupid people.


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I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five or six times, but not twice.


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