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Life iz not so bad if u hav plenty of luck, a good physique and not 2 much imagination.
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Life iz like stepping on2 a boat which iz about 2 sail out 2 sea & sink.
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It's not cheating unless you get caught.
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Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
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Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
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Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again ?
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I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar
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Middle age is wen ur age starts 2 show around ur middle.
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A hippie is some 1 who looks like Tarzan, walks like Jane & smells like Cheetah.
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I never think of the future - it comez soon enough.
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U are not drunk if you can lie on the floor with out holding on.
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If u love ur job, you haven't worked a day in ur life.
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I am an excellent house keeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
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90% of the game iz half mental.
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Thanks, u don't look so hot urself. - after being told he looked cool.
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Im in no condition 2 drive...wait! I shouldn't listen 2 myself, I am drunk!
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2 things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; & I am not sure about the universe.
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Television has made dictatorship impossible, bt democracy unbearable.
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Im trying 2 read a book on how to relax, bt I keep falling asleep.
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Faith: not wanting 2 know wat is true.
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Between 2 evils, I always pick the 1 I never tried before.
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Marriage: a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry & the remaining chapters written in prose.
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I have a degree in liberal arts. Do u want fries with that?
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Show me a good loser, and I will show u a loser.
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My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son of a bitch.
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When I die, I want 2 go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in hiz sleep -- not screaming, like da passengers in hiz car
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People think it must b fun 2 b a super genius, bt thy don't realize how hard it iz 2 put up with all da idiots in da world.
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Frndship iz like peeing on urself: every1 can see it, bt only u get da warm feeling dat it brings.
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Men r like parking spots, da good 1s r taken & da free 1s r handicapped.
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