New Year Jokes

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New Year Jokes

On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready.
At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.




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To kick start my New Year:
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.



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On Nw Yr's Eve, Peter was in no shape 2 drive, so he sensibly left his van in da car park & walked home.
As he was wobbling along, he was s2pped by a policeman.
'What r u doing out here at four o'clock in da morning?' asked da police officer.
'I'm on my way 2 a lecture,' answered Peter.
'& who on earth, in dair right mind, is going 2 give a lecture at this time on Nw Yr's Eve?' enquired da constable sarcastically.

'I agree, but my wife will,' slurred Peter grimly.




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Jemima was taking an afternoon nap on Nw Yr's Eve b4e da festivities.
After she woke up, she confided 2 Max, her husb&, 'I just dreamed dat
u gave me a diamond ring 4 a Nw Yr's present. What do u think it all means?'
'Aha, u'll know 2nite,' answered Max smiling broadly.
At midnite, as da Nw Yr was chiming, Max approached Jemima & h&ed her small package.
Delighted & excited she opened it quickly
. Dr in her h& rested a book entitled:


'Da meaning of dreams'.




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When I thought about da evils of drinking in da Nw Yr.
I gave up thinking.




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2 kick start my Nw Yr,
I took an IQ test.
& da results were.
.
.
.
.
..
Negative.




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I resolve... I resolve 2...
I resolve 2, uh...
I resolve 2, uh, get my, er...
I resolve 2, uh, get my, er,
off-line work theone, to!




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Da trouble with jogging is dat da ice falls out of ur glass.



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A friend asks his friend 4 a cigrtte. His friend says
I think u made a Nw Yr resolution 2 quit smoking.
Da man says. I am in da process of quitting.Right now
I am in da middle of phase 1. What's phase 1?
I've quit buying



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Husband: 2day is sunday & I have 2 enjoy it.
So i bought 3 movie tickets. Wife: why three?
Husband: 4 u & ur prnts




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Disturbd u Troubled u Irritated u Bugged u 2day
I just want 2 tell u I plan 2 continue it in NEXT YR




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Oh my Dear, 4get ur Fear
Let all ur Dreams b Clear
Never put Tear, Please Hear
I want 2 tell 1 thing in ur Ear
Wishing u a very Happy "NW YR"




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Drop da last yr in2 da silent limbo of da past.
Let it go, 4 it was imperfect, & thank God dat it can go.




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May all ur troubles last as long as ur Nw Yr's resolutions!



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Nw Yr's Day: Now is da accepted time 2 make ur regular annual
good resolutions. Next week u can begin paving hell with dam as usual.




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An optimist stays up until midnite 2 see da Nw Yr in.
A pessimist stays up 2 make sure da old yr leaves.




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Da object of a nw yr is not dat we should have a nw yr.
It is dat we should have a nw soul.




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New Year Jokes , new years eve jokes, funny happy new year jokes, clean jokes on new year

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